Conundrum of The Fat Girl

So here I am approaching the end of the spring semester and I’m still not sure about continuing. My GPA is 4.0 and the advisor sounded a bit surprised when she read that. I worked hard for that average. I get to every class and turn in every assignment when they are due, unlike many of the students in my classes. Maybe that’s why I’m so tired. Maybe that’s why I’m so cranky. Maybe I’m trying too hard.

You would think my parents were paying for this. You would think I was paying for this, as conscientious as I am. Because I’m over 60, I can take 6 credits a semester for free, paying only for books and a small tech fee. If I wanted to take more classes, I have a wonderful husband who would “support” me financially. I was thinking about taking him up on that. I need a foreign language if I’m going toward the Professional Writing degree. I may take two Spanish classes in the summer. Each class is 4 credits. Now I don’t know if the first half of the summer semester counts as one semester for the Go 60 Program. So with two 4 credit classes, I may have to pay for two credits.

And then there’s the fall. I should continue with Spanish 3 and an English class that’s required for my major. But there are two other English classes I want to take: Science Fiction and Women Writers. And there’s the problem. I would able to do it financially, but can I continue at the same pace I’ve been doing with two classes?

I know I would probably drive myself crazy (not to mention my family). I can’t do anything half-way.

I think that’s the Curse of the Fat Girl.

Because I’ve been fat all my life, I’ve had to prove myself over and over again. Not to my husband who says I’m “hot”, Goddess bless him. But to myself. It’s all those years of not being quite good enough. All the times my father made fun of my weight. (“That bridge can only hold two tons. Mitzi has to get out of the car.”) All the times adults made fun of my weight (“Here comes Fat Little Rosa”—I hope that person is burning in hell!). All the times I had crushes on boys/men who wouldn’t look at me twice or would look at me twice because I was too big for one look. The time my father told me he wasn’t going to send me to college (fifty years ago) because I “never finish anything” (code for “You’re too fat for us to spend the money”).

So The Fat Girl gets to every class and hands her work in on time.

The Fat Girl opens her mouth in class.

The Fat Girl watches as the Cute Young Things don’t do much. One decided she wasn’t going to read the novel that one class required. We have to write down vocabulary words, define them, and tell how they’re used in the text. The Cute Young Thing said, “I’m just going to skim for words.”

The Cute Young Things can get away with it.

The Fat Girl can’t.

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